Kobe Bryant Helped Me Lose Weight
I’m an avid Utah Jazz fan. Actually, to say I’m an avid fan may be a bit of an understatement. I eat, drink, and sleep the Utah Jazz. I watch the games at night and read the recap the next morning. I track their Power Rankings religiously even though they don’t mean anything. I can probably tell you the average stats for every player on the roster. I own apparel from the purple, green, and gold days and I would still wear Converse Catapults (Karl Malone’s shoe) if they made them. I love the Utah Jazz.
Naturally my affinity toward the Jazz makes me hate anything associated with the Bulls or the Lakers. Michael Jordan ripped our hearts out TWICE in the late 90′s and I’m still only partially healed. The Lakers have been our nemesis as of late after abusing us in the Western Conference finals two years ago.
At the center of the Lakers roster is Kobe “the world is my sex palace” Bryant. Now I know that some of you may be thinking “Haven’t you let that go yet? You need to forgive this guy and move on.” Truth is I really couldn’t care less about with whom or where he decides to do the dirty deed, but it’s an easy shot to take so I pulled the trigger. I do know that Kobe HATES playing in Utah. We aren’t your average fans here. We don’t just claim to be the loudest fans in the NBA, we are the loudest fans in the NBA. I think just about anyone who has ever played or attended a game here would agree. It’s not just the noise though; we heckle. Oh my do we heckle. In fact, I’m shocked that we’ve never had a Piston’s-Pacers style brawl at the arena before.
I remember game six of the Western Conference finals a few years ago seeing a sign that said “The Jazz are on the Lakers like Kobe on Maid Service.” That was probably the nicest thing he read or heard while he was in the Delta Center. It was one of the few times I’ve ever seen an athlete react to the crowd. He was yelling F-Bombs back at fans and popping his jersey every time he made a jumpshot. Ever since then I’ve had a hard time with Kobe Bryant. His arrogance just rubs me the wrong way.
However this post is not meant to send an “I hate Kobe Bryant” message. I actually want to write him a personal thank you note for helping me lose weight. Yes you read that right, Kobe Bryant has helped me lose weight.
Dear Kobe,
You don’t know who I am but I would like to thank you for helping me lose over 100 pounds over the last 7 months. You have motivated me in ways that I’m sure you were never aware of. I’ve made a list of the things you’ve done to help me lose weight and I’d like to share it with you if you can spare a minute out of your insanely busy schedule.
- When I was too fat to easily stand up from my seat to yell at you for acting like a d-bag I decided it was time to lose some weight.
- When I had to go to the concession stands 6 times a game I would miss you acting like a complete ass so I decided it was time to lose some weight.
- When my friends asked me to paint double Z on my chest I decided to lose weight because I knew you’d probably think J-A-ZZ was a famous rappers little brother or something.
- When you have every media outlet in the country apologizing for your lack of performance because you’re “injured” it makes me want to puke. This makes me try to eat less while I watch SportsCenter. Sidenote: You’re the only player in the NBA who gets credit for being “injured” even when you’re playing in a game. All the other 400 players are “healthy” when they’re playing and “injured” when they’re not.
- When I didn’t have the lung or cardiovascular capacity to yell and scream at you for 4 straight quarters I knew I had to get in better shape.
- I wanted to make sure I could always squeeze into a XXXL jersey with a Jazz logo on it. When it almost didn’t fit, I decided it was time to lose weight. (The only team in the NBA that makes 4X+ jerseys is the Lakers — over my dead body)
Thank you Kobe for your smugness and arrogance. You have helped me make some drastic changes in my life and I owe you a great deal of thanks for that. Tonight when the Jazz fans are mean, please don’t get sad. Remember, it’s your jerk qualities that spur change in people. Please don’t ever forget that.
Love,
Ryan Sullivan
Jazz Fan
10 Responses to “Kobe Bryant Helped Me Lose Weight”
Leave a Reply
| Current Weight: | 261.0 lbs |
| Goal Weight: | 225.0 lbs |
| Calories Eaten: | 0 |
| Calories Burned: | 0 |
| Exercise Status: | |
 |
|
| Nutrition Status: | |
 |
|
You are too funny.
Now THAT was an awesome post – just found your blog – congrats on the great work man!!!
I feel the exact same way about the Red Sox. Cheers, Missa LosingEthel
you crack me the hell up.
You make me laugh. And I, too, am not a Kobe fan. I am, however, a Pistons fan and still have the tattered remnants of a Bad Boys tee shirt, prominately featuring my boy Bill Laimbeer. Rawr.
I can haz LOL?
I haz LOL.
Dang Lakers! Beat the Jazz last night.
Ha ha ha… oh man. Ryan. You are just too funny! I had to read that one out loud to my brother!
great post. and congrats on your weight loss. that is awesome.
YOU ARE WEAK ALONG WITH YOUR JAZZ